Confessions of A Saferide Drama Queen

My name is Faith, I’m 21 years old, and I’m a user.  I started using when I got to college.  At first, it was just for fun.  My roommates and I used a couple times on the weekends, but just casually.  But then I started noticing that all of my friends were using, and not just on the weekends.  Before I knew it, I was using up to three nights a week.  I couldn’t stop.  I was addicted to Saferide, and there was nothing I could do about it.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, Saferide is a free cab service that will drive you basically anywhere in the city of Norman on weekend nights.  It’s like your own little magic carpet that takes you to any party or bar you could dream of, and its free.  Sounds great, right?  Unfortunately over my three years in college, I’ve gotten pretty used to the name-calling and prejudices that go along with Saferiding.  “Loser,” “freak,” and “complete social failure” are probably the most common.  But I don’t let it get to me.  My real friends don’t judge me, and some of them even Saferide too.  When we’re Saferiding, it’s like nothing else in the world matters.  The only other people that exist are my friends, the driver, and the frat guy passed out in the back seat that was supposed to get off at the last stop.  Over my years of Saferiding, I’ve met some of the kindest, most patient souls to ever roam this planet, and I want to take a second to tell you about some of my newly formed friendships.

Big John

Big John is my go-to guy.  I couldn’t tell you how many times he has safely gotten me home to my apartment.  It’s like destiny with us.  Big John has taken me home so many times that he even has my address memorized.  We don’t even have to tell him, because he just knows.  Wow, that sounds kind of creepy when I write it out.  John is a good man though.  He didn’t even lose his cool when my apartment gate violently chopped the front of his car.  He’s like a wise, fat little Buddha man who sometimes even gives us candy!  Ok, that sounded really creepy too.  But I swear it’s not like that.

Scary Jerry

Now don’t get me wrong, Jerry is a great dude but lets be honest, he kind of has that whole “ex-con” vibe going on.  I get the feeling that Jerry has a dark secret that absolutely no one knows about, like maybe he murdered a previous rider and wears their teeth as jewelry.  But then again, maybe not.  Maybe he just grew up in a troubled household and his neck tattoo is actually a memorial for his meemaw that passed away in a tragic wheelchair accident. That’s what I like about Jerry; he’s mysterious.  And sometimes when I go out, I like to live life on the edge of my seat and wonder, “Is this guy about to drive me to a cornfield and murder me or is he about to show me a thousand pictures of his baby niece “Misty” on his iPhone?”  Either way, I’m in for one hell of a night.

Party Lisa

I know I shouldn’t pick favorites, but LISA IS MY FAVORITE.  She’s like that crazy aunt that sneaks you booze when you’re 13 and smokes at least 500 menthols a day.  I’m not 100% sure that Lisa has all of her marbles, but it doesn’t even matter because she’s so cool.  My favorite thing about Lisa is that she has the mentality of a 16-year-old girl.  She even keeps a miniature flashlight in her glove compartment so that she can, at any moment, transform her dirty, blue airport van into a flashing nightclub.  Could you get any closer to a VIP Limo?  Not that I’m aware of.  She knows how to make all of her passengers feel special, and that’s what really matters in a Saferide driver.

Dearest Sweet Gregory

Gregory is a man of many emotions.  Not only is he a top-notch saferide driver, but he is also a family man with a heart of gold.  In fact, I can’t think of a time that he has driven me and hasn’t tried to hook me up with his 27-year-old son, Tim, a struggling minor-league paintballer.  Greg really knows how to flatter a woman, and often says things like, “Tim really needs a girlfriend so that he’ll move out of our basement and I think that he could use someone fun like you.”  What was that Greg? You think I’m fun?!  I’d love to date your socially inept son!  How could you not like someone who is constantly flowering you with such heartfelt complements?  And who knows, maybe one day I’ll even build up the courage to take Greg’s advice and poke Tim on Facebook.  Until then, I guess I’ll just have to live with the fact that I could be passing up the man of my dreams.

Now that you know a little about my new friends, I hope you can gain a better understanding of what Saferide is really about.  It’s not about getting drunk college kids home from the bars late at night.  Well, technically, that’s exactly what it is.  But it’s more than that.  It’s a lifestyle.  And I’m not ashamed to say that it’s my lifestyle.

Faith

Taco Bell Love Affair part 2

When we last met to discuss the epic saga that is my Taco Bell Family, I had just solidified my BFFness with Josh and our relationship was really soaring. Not that winning him over was that difficult of a task…..I mean, look at me. I'd like to be a non-douchelord here and say that wooing the rest of the staff was more trying but that would be a lie. We all hit it off pretty quickly. It was kind of like the story line on Will and Grace except nothing like that at all. We were just like the girls on The Facts of Life, except slightly different. Our bond completely mirrored the show Friends except…oh my god, okay I get it; it was kind of weird, but I loved it and it made me feel whole, so forget the analogies.  Anyway, I pretty much had the whole night staff in a go-to-Bed-Bath-and-Beyond-together-to-pick-out-towels situation, but there was only one thing missing. That thing was the approval of Ash, the one female employee. She was a lot more woman than I was used to. She was the kind that didn't really brush her teeth and hissed at me when I walked by. Some people are probably into stuff like that but it just eroded my confidence a bit. I spent much of my TB time trying to ignore her as I thought my elusiveness would gain her respect in some way. After a while, it became clear that playing hard to get was just not going to win Ash over, so I turned to Josh for advice. His solution was not too dissimilar to how I would imagine Aristotle and Steve Martin’s character on Father of the Bride would jointly solve a problem. He simply and profoundly said "Just start talking about crap. Maybe she likes crap you like. Probably not, you talk too much, but try."  So the next day I waltzed in to try it out.

Me: “Oh hey Ash! Did you know there's only 80 calories per serving of Ovaltine? That’s like stealing! Am I right?”

Ash: Hiss

Me: “Who in this room misses Mary-Kate and Ashley? Show of hands. Ash, put that hand up girl. You look like someone that effing loved So Little Time.”

Ash: Double hiss and some spitting

Me: (Now a bit deflated) “Ash, I see you have a wrist tattoo that says “Bill Buddy." I know there’s a story behind that.”

With those words, her face lit up. She shuffled me over to a far back table to elaborate on the origins of the tattoo. It turns out that Bill Buddy was her boyfriend that had just kicked her out of their shared apartment and moved in a girl that he met at a strip club in Farmington (next town over) called the Petting Zoo. This seemed to be a reoccurring theme throughout the TB community. Ash was devastated, but lucky for her; she was sitting in close proximity to the Relationship Master.  I was here to do my thing. I explained that the only mature and logical next step would be to summon the stripper to the T-Bell parking lot for a heated brawl. It was a good plan.  I would be her coach and we would fight clean. I would bring a sponge.  While they were bare knuckle boxing, Josh would knock out the windows in Bill Buddy’s truck with a T-Bell deep fat fryer basket. I was so proud of myself I couldn't stand it but Ash gently let me know that there were a few flaws in my plan.  Mainly, there was the distinct probability….let’s say 90%, that I could get stabbed in the process. Meanwhile, Lawrence, the guy who always ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches alone, but whom I had grown very fond of, was eavesdropping. After hearing how incredible at love I am, he stepped in for a piece of the pie I was serving. He pulled up a chair and settled in…

Lawrence: “Have I ever told you how I became a felon?”

Me: “No. But please don't. I mean, really, please. I spent all my money this month at Taco Bell so I don't have enough money to get out of town, just in case you decided "She knows too much" and try to kill me or something.”

Lawrence: “What the hell are you talking about?”

Me: “Fine. Let me have it.”

Lawrence: “Well, I used to be married. She was hot, super hot. But she only made Hamburger Helper for supper. A man can’t survive only on Hamburger Helper.  Do you understand that? I mean, every once in a while, a little hamburger to go along with the helper, would have been nice.  So one day I slapped her around a little bit and she made it a big deal and all and called the pigs.”

Me: “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh…well I….uhhhhhhh…”

Lawrence: “Look, I think you can help me…I want her back…She was so hot and I'm having a hard time with the rent now. Fine, okay, I’m living in my car. Wait, does your dorm have a futon? Maybe that would work.”

This was a tall order but I knew I could help him. So I dug out an old Charlie's Chicken gift card that may or may not have had any money on it and got this half eaten box of chocolates I keep in my car so I look like someone desires me just in case a guy ever rides in it. I gave him the items and sent him on his way because fried chicken and old chocolate can cure any relationship ill…even domestic abuse. Though this situation might seem weird to the average on looker, it is an instant that remains near and dear to my heart. It was this night that took my relationship with the Taco Bell employees to the next level and the night that I went home and threw out the futon at the dorm.  It also set the tone for the next sequence of events that launched me into fast food stardom.  (STAYED TUNED! There are more fast food adventures in Part 3)

Once the drive through line had picked up a bit that night and I knew I wouldn't be getting as much attention, it was time for me to go home. As Josh walked me out to my car he turned to me and said "Well you and Ash seem to be buddies. Maybe we could grab a beer or something sometime." I was flattered, so I sweetly turned to him and replied "Ew….oh my god, no. Are you kidding? Like real people might see us."

Katherine 

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