It’s 9am on a Saturday morning. The annoying ring of your iPhone alarm slowly grows louder and louder when suddenly you jolt straight up in bed with a terrifying flashback of the night before and a pit in your stomach the size of cantaloupe. “Where is my credit card?” “Why is there an entire Crunchwrap Surpreme in my bed?” and “Will I have enough money to survive through the week?” are three common questions that run through the mind of every college student at this time. The first thing you must always remember in these times of crisis is to take a deep breath and relax. Even if you did blow your entire month of daddys’ allowance last night, it’s already gone and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Now that we have moved past that harsh reality, it’s time to listen up and make some serious lifestyle changes to prevent this from happening again. Through the experience of my peers and myself, I have complied a nice list of tips to help you save a few bucks over the weekend. This list is not intended for those hoping to maintain a sense of “self-respect” or “dignity,” whatever that means.
1. “If it’s free, it’s for me.” 30 years from now, if I were to go down in a violent plane crash and land on a deserted island and could only send one teeny tiny message in a bottle back to my children and the rest of society, that is probably what I would tell them. Or possibly give some sort of coordinates to the deserted island that I’m trapped on, but whatever. You get my point. It’s that important. It may seem obvious, but sometimes we forget to take advantage of these precious little everyday gifts. I’m not going to sit here and pretend like I’ve never gone to a Sam’s Club or a Costco around lunchtime and strategically wandered the isles for a delicious four-course meal in the form of little smokies and tiny gouda samples. I’m also not too proud to say that I’ve never bought a bottle of ketchup or salsa, because I know that Mickey D’s and Taco Bell have got my back. Some people call it being cheap, but I just like to think of it as being responsible.
2. One word: Pregame. If you are like me and prefer to consume a few adult beverages before going out on the town, then you must remember to buy only the finest of pre-party liquors. Of course I’m talking about the one and only Burnett’s vodka. Sure, it tastes like lighter fluid and you’re pretty much guaranteed to burn a hole in your esophagus and projectile vomit within the hour, but this post isn’t about being healthy or safe. It’s about the more important things in life, like being a cheap-ass. Not only can you buy an entire bottle for 8 bucks, but you can also choose from a wide variety of fun fruity flavors, all packed with horrifying amounts of food dye, like red raspberry. Because nothing says, “I’ve got my life together” like showing up to a bar with a red fruit punch mustache.
3. If you’re not into heavy pre-drinking, I would like to suggest a little friend of mine named Mr. Pocket Shot. It’s basically a cheap, flimsy, pre-filled flask made out of plastic that you can literally shove anywhere on your person. One time I went to a concert and had at least 6 of those suckers taped around my midsection. The only tricky part about Pocket Shots is retrieving these sneaky little guys. I would compare my experience to the scene in Heavyweights when that one fat kid tapes salamis on his back. I think that we can all learn a valuable lesson from our heavyset brothers at Camp Hope. And that is to always keep a friend nearby in case you can’t peel Pocket Shots (or salami) off your back by yourself.
4. Share cabs. And when I say share, I mean bail like hell. But Faith, that’s terribly immoral! Thank you, I’m aware of this. So if you find yourself having some spec of a conscience, and bailing isn’t your style, try a simple little bat of the lashes and something adorable like “Oh heavens! It seems as if I’ve misplaced my coin purse!” But lets be real, this isn’t the 50’s and you’re not Betty Boop, so the other passengers will probably just assume that you have some horrible facial tick from all of the overly dramatic lash batting. And if you're a dude, that would be the absolute creepiest thing you could possibly do. So I guess the 2012 version of this would mean hopping into a giant cab along side some obnoxiously drunk 30-year-old dudes, get them talking about the NBA or beef jerky or something, then sneakily hop out at your stop all before they realize that you just pulled a fast one on them. So yeah, essentially I’m telling you to take advantage of drunk people. It’s not your fault they’re so drunk.