It’s
9am on a Saturday morning. The
annoying ring of your iPhone alarm slowly grows louder and louder when suddenly
you jolt straight up in bed with a terrifying flashback of the night before and
a pit in your stomach the size of cantaloupe. “Where is my credit card?” “Why is there an entire Crunchwrap Surpreme in my bed?” and
“Will I have enough money to survive through the week?” are three common
questions that run through the mind of every college student at this time. The first thing you must always
remember in these times of crisis is to take a deep breath and relax. Even if you did blow your entire month
of daddys’ allowance last night, it’s
already gone and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Now
that we have moved past that harsh reality, it’s time to listen up and make
some serious lifestyle changes to prevent this from happening again. Through the experience of my peers and
myself, I have complied a nice list of tips to help you save a few bucks over the
weekend. This list is not intended
for those hoping to maintain a sense of “self-respect” or “dignity,” whatever
that means.
1. “If
it’s free, it’s for me.” 30 years
from now, if I were to go down in a violent plane crash and land on a deserted
island and could only send one teeny tiny message in a bottle back to my
children and the rest of society, that is probably what I would tell them. Or possibly give some sort of
coordinates to the deserted island that I’m trapped on, but whatever. You get my point. It’s that important. It may
seem obvious, but sometimes we forget to take advantage of these precious
little everyday gifts. I’m not
going to sit here and pretend like I’ve never gone to a Sam’s Club or a Costco
around lunchtime and strategically wandered the isles for a delicious four-course
meal in the form of little smokies and tiny gouda samples. I’m also not too proud to say that I’ve
never bought a bottle of ketchup or salsa, because I know that Mickey D’s and
Taco Bell have got my back. Some
people call it being cheap, but I just like to think of it as being responsible.
2.
One word: Pregame. If you are like me and prefer to
consume a few adult beverages before going out on the town, then you must
remember to buy only the finest of pre-party liquors. Of course I’m talking about the one and only Burnett’s vodka. Sure, it tastes like lighter fluid and
you’re pretty much guaranteed to burn a hole in your esophagus and projectile vomit
within the hour, but this post isn’t about being healthy or safe. It’s about the more important things in
life, like being a cheap-ass. Not
only can you buy an entire bottle for 8 bucks, but you can also choose from a
wide variety of fun fruity flavors, all packed with horrifying amounts of food dye, like red raspberry.
Because nothing says, “I’ve got my life together” like showing up to a
bar with a red fruit punch mustache.
3.
If you’re not into heavy pre-drinking, I
would like to suggest a little friend of mine named Mr. Pocket Shot. It’s basically a cheap, flimsy, pre-filled
flask made out of plastic that you can literally shove anywhere on your person. One time I went to a concert and had at
least 6 of those suckers taped around my midsection. The only tricky part about Pocket Shots is retrieving these
sneaky little guys. I would
compare my experience to the scene in Heavyweights when that one fat kid tapes
salamis on his back. I think that
we can all learn a valuable lesson from our heavyset brothers at Camp
Hope. And that is to always keep a
friend nearby in case you can’t peel Pocket Shots (or salami) off your back by
yourself.
4.
Share cabs. And when I say share, I mean bail like hell. But
Faith, that’s terribly immoral!
Thank you, I’m aware of this.
So if you find yourself having some spec of a conscience, and bailing
isn’t your style, try a simple little bat of the lashes and something adorable
like “Oh heavens! It seems as if
I’ve misplaced my coin purse!” But
lets be real, this isn’t the 50’s and you’re not Betty Boop, so the other
passengers will probably just assume that you have some horrible facial tick
from all of the overly dramatic lash batting. And if you're a dude, that would be the absolute creepiest thing you could possibly do. So I guess the 2012 version of this would mean hopping into a giant
cab along side some obnoxiously drunk 30-year-old dudes, get them talking about
the NBA or beef jerky or something, then sneakily hop out at your stop all
before they realize that you just pulled a fast one on them. So yeah, essentially I’m telling you to
take advantage of drunk people. It’s
not your fault they’re so drunk.
Faith
Faith
